I hate myself and want to die (sometimes)

I’ve been feeling really ill recently and I’m afraid to tell anyone even my parents even though they kind of already know but they don’t know that I’ve stopped taking all the things I’m supposed to take it’s been months but they made me feel so sick I don’t know which is worse this can’t keep happening what ever is I think I’ve figured it out on my own I know how to deal with it by myself but each day I feel it getting worse I sit and stare at things for long periods of time I can’t move I want to but nothing happens I think about death a lot and I don’t think I will make it till I’m old I’ve been thinking about this for a long time there are things that need to be taken care of I won’t stay that long I’m afraid to go to doctors because I know they’ll give me more stuff to take and I can’t do it anymore I know I haven’t been taking good care of myself lately even though I can fake it doctors make me feel like I am lying or that I shouldn’t have said anything at all it happened twice in two weeks the first time I popped blood vessels in both eyeballs but it wasn’t as bad as other times I didn’t end up in the hospital that was horrible when they gave me morphine even thought I couldn’t lift or move anything on my body maybe that’s what dying is like I can’t sleep right now I really need to even though I slept nearly all day I had a chronic migraine radiating from my left eyeball again the left one again what does that mean what if that is a tumor or something hmm maybe I’d rather go like that than be subject to self induced death but I’ve been planning it for awhile maybe it can look like an accident because then I think about all my relatives and how they would wonder and have no idea how sick my mind was at this point but maybe they won’t be around for when I actually do it and hopefully my parents won’t either god fucking god I hate being in this place I just want someone to lay me down and kiss me and then inject some nice dream serum into my arm so for once I’ll sleep nice things and then be whisked away quietly to the middle land again where I can feel safer in my own skin I know it’s just this place that makes feel unhappy not the other place my home where my actual life and friends are I feel so disconnected from everyone here in this original place I had no idea I how I could be this I do not believe what they do I will not ignore sad things fucking still watch that movie because it is brilliant and just because it’s sad well shut the fuck up deal with it thats not your life this is your life but make some choices on your own goddammit simple choices and do things for your self for once like find your shoes jesus fuck I can not stand that do not ignore the news real world news about people dying in manmade things or revolutions don’t turn it off because it fills you with bad energy shut the fuck up I can’t be friends with someone that week yes it hurts me too but I’m still going to pay attention and everyone says oh wow what a change for you well yes it is but fuck you I like where I am and where I’m living because the people don’t all suck ass like you lot done with your pretentious superiority fucking done with it this city does not make sense too crowded with too many cars and all the streets so damn wide and sometimes I wish I’ll be instantly killed in horrible accident but no one else will die and they’ll all think how sad and tragic it was but they’ll have no idea I was really hoping all along and fuck everyone for telling me to have kids and to get married that will never happen ever ever no fuck this and all these expectations I’d be doing the world a favor by not going that way I’ll go the other way which is down I will be leaving soon to go back to my real home but it as not soon enough I really like airports because at least I’m going somewhere

Let go of my bones.